the real meaning of Christmas

To Believe or not.....in Santa that is! I always knew without a doubt I would teach my children about Jesus, but I never knew I would struggle so much about whether or not I wanted my kids to believe in Santa. I was raised believing in Santa Clause (in fact I believed until 6th grade....thank-you very much Pop). I just assumed I would not only support my kids believing in Santa, but I would help influence their belief (you know, putting foot prints in the flour/ fake snow by the fire place, taking bites out of the cookies and carrots left for Santa and the reign deer, and of coarse writing the annual letter to my kids).

Well, I still do all of the above.....but what I do not do is initiate daily conversations about Santa. Over the last year or so, my faith in God has grown so much. As it has grown, my biggest desire has been to share my faith and share my love for God with my own children. So as this Christmas season snuck up on me, I have really dealt with some guilt about playing up Santa Clause.

The reason I still do go along with the whole 'Santa Tradition' is because it makes my children giddy with delight every time his name is mentioned, but also because it helps keep me humble. I buy gifts simply because I want my kids to be happy, not so that I can enjoy the thanks that I get from my kids knowing I spent hours finding the right gift. It is not about me. Christmas morning is about my kids, and about seeing their eyes light up at their gifts. Christmas season is about Christ, and about learning his desire for all of us in our own life. He was born for one reason and one reason only.....for all of us! He was born for us, now we need to live for him. That is what I aim to teach my kids this Christmas season. I think believing in Santa is most kids' first exposure to having faith. Faith is believing in something that you can't see. Anytime my oldest starts asking detailed questions about Santa,, I always response with ' well, what do you believe?" or "if you believe than you have to trust that it will all work out". My biggest struggle is that if and when my kids ( I sense the time is coming soon for my oldest) do stop believing in Santa will they also stop believing in God. Because Santa and Jesus come teamed up during Christmas, does this mean in a child's mind when one is not real, then the other is also not real? I would love any advice or helpful tips on how you moms have handled this with your own kids. I think the only thing I can really do is continue to teach my kids about God and all that is good even after the Christmas season.

In the meantime, if we enjoy some stories about Santa and some fun holiday traditions, I know I have still done my part and His will. I hope in the busyness of the holiday season, you can keep the Heart of Christmas alive in your homes. Merry Christmas to all of you and God bless you and your families this new year:)

Jackson- 3 months

I am going to start writing monthly letters to Jax so that I can have a way to update all of you, but also to record his first year to someday share with him. This is something I wish I did with my other kids, but I guess the third time is really is the charm. Here is my letter to Jax on his 3rd month birthday.

Dearest Jax,

You are smiling, laughing, and cooing all the time now. You love for me to put you in your chair and let you just watch your brother and sister play around you. I can't wait for you to be big enough to join in. So far, you are extremely laid back for being a third child (I was a 3rd child, so I should know). You only cry when you are hungry or need a diaper change. You eat every 3-4 hours, and have been sleeping through the night since 8 weeks. Although, I don't really count it because you are still in our room and mommy gets up every 3 hours or so to check on you or put your pacifier in your mouth. You still are not fond of tummy time, but you are getting stronger every day. Your hair is still dark brown, and you have yet to loose any of it (nor have you grown any....so you still have your receding hair line). We all love you to the moon and back and are so blessed that you joined our family.

F-E-A-R

One of the most amazing and wisest people that I know told me ' fear stands for False Evidence Apearing Real'. Fear has plagued my life for as far back as I can remember. If it wasn't one thing it was something else. I hated that I lived my life in constant fear, but I felt helpless to change it. There was a period of time before I became a mother where I felt so numb almost like I wasn't really living because I was so frozen with fear all the time.

I credit my wonderful husband with helping me to break down my fears and learn how to simply relax and enjoy life instead of always worrying. He lives his whole life without a single worry because he believes whole heartedly that whatever happens has a greater meaning. Worrying will not change the future, it will only hinder the present.

Recently, fear has creeped back into my home. It has wrapped its ugly hands around both my son and myself. Watching Hunter have to deal with some of the same fears that I dealt with as a young adult was excruciating to watch. I had to remind myself that his fear was a demon living inside his own mind. No matter what his dad and I did or told him to make him feel safe, he had to believe it deep down or none of our actions mattered. After weeks of trying EVERYTHING under the sun, our courageous son has learned to overcome his fear at nighttime. He has developed his own tools that have helped him face his fear head on.

I didn't realize it then, but maybe my son had to go through this trial so that he could move mountains inside my own heart when fear came back into my life. And so here I am.....fearful once again. No matter what I do or say, I can't help but fear so deeply for my own children's safety (especially our newest member). I know all moms go through a similar experience, but I am not sure how many can relate when I say that these thoughts and fears consume my mind 24/7. I know I am being vague, but I am doing so deliberately because giving a name to my fear is giving in and I know that my fears are False Evidence Apearing Real.

I challenge anyone reading this who can relate to pray along side me that we can take my 6 year old son's lead and face our fears head on. I pray that I can let go of my fears about what the future may hold because it truly is not in my control. I HAVE TO BELIEVE that God has a protective hand over my babies and that he will hold them close no matter what life throws at them. I pray that I can let go of this burden of fear and hold on to hope and thankgiving that God gave me these 3 beautiful children for a reason.

So for now, I will revel in the fact that my children are healthy and happy and I will strive to enjoy every second with them....tantrums and all:)