I woke up with mixed emotions because I was excited to be going to the doctors to hear our baby's heart beat, but I also had a bad feeling that something was wrong. I have been 'blessed' with a very easy first trimester, or so I thought. I had only experienced fatigue and cramps here and there. Although, most people would say I am lucky and should just be thankful that I have not been experiencing the normal pregnancy symptoms, but I knew something was not right. So, I went to the doctors, and after not being able to find the heart beat (with two different dopplers), she sent me to get an ultrasound. The ultrasound tech immediately found the baby.....no heart beat, and the baby only measured 6 weeks (I am supposed to be 10 weeks).
My heart dropped, and the tears came pouring out. I was shocked, angry, upset, scared, but mostly confused. How could this happened to me? Did I do something wrong? Will we be able to have other children? I then went next door and met with the midwife, who assured me it was 'not my fault' and there was nothing I could have done to prevent this. Surprisingly, that was relieving to hear.
Paul and I are upset, as we wanted this baby so much. Our experience with Hunter was so different, as we were not expecting him. This baby was expected and already loved so much by both us and his/her big brother.
We know that everything happens for a reason, and as Hunter so poignantly said ' maybe Jesus took the baby to make him healthy'. I think Hunterbear is right. Our baby was not going to be able to survive the pregnancy, and we trust that God knows what is best.
Please pray for Hunter. I didnt think he would understand what happened, but we actually shared a good cry together...gotta love my sensitive boy! He wanted to badly to be a big brother. Please pray for Paul and me that we can lean on each other through this tough time, and trust that what ever is meant to be will be.....thank-you to those of you who have already reached out to us. We love all of you.
8 comments:
oh my, bridget...i am so sorry to hear this. thank you for sharing it, nonetheless. ugghhh, what a hard thing!...and strange. i hope that things will be different next time. say hi to paul for joey and i. -matt
Bridge I am so sorry to hear the news! That has to be devastating!!! You guys are definitely in my thoughts! Sending you lots of love! -Brigid
Bridget I am so deeply sorry for your profound loss. I know you know that Dick and lost a baby way into the second trimester and to read your words about loving your baby already brought back the pain and heartbreak. What I can offer is people dont really know what to say, so excuse all of us for that. But know that we all mean well. Also know that the heartache and loss you feel will be felt forever but it turns into love that you will carry into your next pregancy. What you know is you can get pregnant!! That is more than half the battle. And that in essence you learn to accept the loss and you carry the love always. Allow the grief in and let yourself just feel as it is one of the only cures for a broken heart. The promise of a life and a baby is all encompassing and it will take time to adjust the day around all the other things in your life. Jsut relish in the glow of Hunter and Paul and remember you are healthy and young. We love you all so much and if there is anything I can do just call. jill
I wanted to say one more thing, when we lost the baby Zack was about 3. The doctor gave us a great way to explain the loss to him. We had recently planted blubs and many of them didnt blossom to flowers and we used that ... we told him that the baby had a hard time growing in my belly like some of the blubs... there just wasnt the righ mix of stuff to keep it healthy. he cried and told people that his baby went to heaven. We planted a dogwood tree in the garden for the baby. (Jews are big on the tree thing)... anyway, I will try to call you tomorrow.
Hi Jill, I never read comments but for some reason today when I was on Boothes blog I read them and saw yours. I have been through 2 misscarriages and know the pain that goes along with it, I too had to explain the loss to my girls and that was probably one of the hardest parts. I have written about both my miscarriages on my blog, parkergirls.blogspot.com please feel free to contact me anytime.
God Bless
Charis
Bridget, I'm so, so sorry. What heartbreaking news. You & your family will certainly be in my prayers in the days & weeks ahead. Please let me know if there's anything I can do for you all.
Bridgiegirl, I am so sorry for your loss. I know this pain, 3 years before Thomas was born I experienced this terrrible loss too at 13 weeks. I would have never known all this if I hadn't found your Uncle John's blog. I am keeping him in my prayers too. There are two special prayer groups that I belong to and they too are all praying for him. I love you darlin' and I think you're Hunterbear is so right on this one. Stay safe Aunt Therese
Dear Bridget...Im not good on the computer, it still confuses me but I wanted to tell you thanks so much for sharing your experience even though it was so difficult and painful to go thru. I admire your courage and generosity in sharing and Hunters comment touched my heart as I know children can say the wisest things sometimes. Im sorry you had to go through that pain but I know it has made you a stronger person i can see that from your wonderful ability to keep family and friends updated about your uncle John. Maureen and John are extrememly special to me, and I am praying every day for them and their children. It means the world to me to understand what has happened so I thank you from the bottom of my heart...Love You Aunt Lynn Scullen
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