I woke up with mixed emotions because I was excited to be going to the doctors to hear our baby's heart beat, but I also had a bad feeling that something was wrong. I have been 'blessed' with a very easy first trimester, or so I thought. I had only experienced fatigue and cramps here and there. Although, most people would say I am lucky and should just be thankful that I have not been experiencing the normal pregnancy symptoms, but I knew something was not right. So, I went to the doctors, and after not being able to find the heart beat (with two different dopplers), she sent me to get an ultrasound. The ultrasound tech immediately found the baby.....no heart beat, and the baby only measured 6 weeks (I am supposed to be 10 weeks).
My heart dropped, and the tears came pouring out. I was shocked, angry, upset, scared, but mostly confused. How could this happened to me? Did I do something wrong? Will we be able to have other children? I then went next door and met with the midwife, who assured me it was 'not my fault' and there was nothing I could have done to prevent this. Surprisingly, that was relieving to hear.
Paul and I are upset, as we wanted this baby so much. Our experience with Hunter was so different, as we were not expecting him. This baby was expected and already loved so much by both us and his/her big brother.
We know that everything happens for a reason, and as Hunter so poignantly said ' maybe Jesus took the baby to make him healthy'. I think Hunterbear is right. Our baby was not going to be able to survive the pregnancy, and we trust that God knows what is best.
Please pray for Hunter. I didnt think he would understand what happened, but we actually shared a good cry together...gotta love my sensitive boy! He wanted to badly to be a big brother. Please pray for Paul and me that we can lean on each other through this tough time, and trust that what ever is meant to be will be.....thank-you to those of you who have already reached out to us. We love all of you.
